I live in fear my past could catch up with me

Dear Bunmi, I have been married for close to 30 years. Eighteen years ago, my husband and I went through a rough patch when his philandering took an alarming turn. Out of frustration, I did something I regret by starting an affair with a man from my office.

He was single then but in serious relationship with a lady he eventually married.  Neither my lover nor his friend knew my husband at the time. A couple of years ago, I found out that my husband and these two men were members of the same club.

I have this belief that one of them has told a few more of their circle, including a man who is close to my husband. This man brings up my former lover’s name in my company. I have a feeling he may be testing my reaction. Or do you think this is just my guilt coming out? I live in fear that my husband will find out. He’d never forgive me.

I don’t want to carry on like this with my marriage in jeopardy from something that took place ages ago. Boma, bye-mail.

Dear Boma,

The scariest secret a woman can keep is that on infidelity. All of us have skeletons in the cupboard but yours has been rattling around and haunting you for far too long! Almost two decades ago, when you felt in need of affection, you momentarily lost control and had an affair. Your husband had his share of affairs too. But what makes you think this lover of yours who is now married with his own children, will want to upset the apple cart now after all these years?

He has as much to loose as you. If your worst nightmare were to come true, it would be your word against his. And what explanation would he give to his wife for bragging about a stale affair? Do you know how many affairs this man’s had after yours? I would put the whole incident at the back of my mind if I were you.

Both you and your husband are in your middle years – you have more constructive plans to grapple with.

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